Understanding Why ‘Letting Go’ Doesn’t Work: Perfectionism for Moms of Color

September 22, 2024

Vanessa Leveille

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Matrescence
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I'm a therapist-mom who writes in hopes of helping moms of color navigate the matrescence journey and create a more harmonious and fulfilling life.

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Hi, I'm vanessa

Are you a mom of color feeling overwhelmed by the constant pressure to do it all perfectly? 

Maybe you’ve been told to “just let go” of trying to be perfect, but deep down, you know it’s not that simple.

You likely understand the negative impacts of perfectionism in general, but what about its effects during early motherhood? In the postpartum period and Matrescence—the transformative journey of becoming a mother—perfectionism can manifest in unique ways.

What if I told you that the advice to “let go” of perfectionism isn’t actually as helpful as we think it is during this period? Especially not for perfectionists. 

And what if I told you there’s a way to rethink your relationship with perfectionism so it serves you rather than controls you during the early stages of motherhood?

That’s right—understanding the role of perfectionism for moms of color can be a game-changer in finding peace, confidence, and clarity in early motherhood.

As a mom, therapist, and woman of color myself, I’ve personally navigated perfectionism and witnessed its impact on other moms. In this post, we’ll dive deep into how perfectionism uniquely shows up in postpartum and Matrescence, and why the typical advice to “just let go” misses the mark—especially for moms of color.

image of a black woman on a blog about perfectionism in moms of color

What Does Perfectionism in Postpartum and Matrescence Look Like?

Let’s get to the heart of the matter: perfectionism during postpartum and Matrescence. 

But what exactly is it, and why does it matter as you work toward feeling more confident, present, and empowered as a mom?

Perfectionism is often defined as the drive to meet high, often unrealistic standards in everything you do. This mindset of striving for flawlessness can quickly feel overwhelming when combined with the intense demands of early motherhood.

Then there’s Matrescence, the profound transformation that occurs when you become a mother, and postpartum, the often-challenging period following childbirth. During these stages, identity shifts and emotional highs and lows meet heightened expectations—creating fertile ground for perfectionism to take hold.

Why “Letting Go” Doesn’t Work During This Period?

For moms of color, perfectionism has often been a tool for survival. 

You’ve been taught to work twice as hard and show up perfectly to be seen, respected, and valued. The societal pressures and cultural expectations rooted in systemic racism have led to generations of internalized messages that perfectionism is the way to survive and succeed. 

These messages—reinforcing the need to be flawless to avoid criticism or judgment—are often passed down from generation to generation, shaping how you navigate the world today.

Perfectionism isn’t just a personality trait for many of us; it’s a survival and coping mechanism.

Many of the moms I work with are driven women who have thrived in their academic and corporate careers. The same healthy striving for excellence—often labeled as perfectionism—helped them achieve success and stand out in competitive environments. 

In those spaces, perfectionism was an asset, helping them push boundaries and meet high expectations.

In postpartum and Matrescence, however, it’s important to reassess how this perfectionism shows up in this stage of your life. 

What once helped you excel in your career may now need to be adjusted to fit the shifting demands of modern motherhood. You may find that what worked before feels overwhelming now, and that’s okay—it doesn’t mean perfectionism isn’t valuable, but it may need a different approach in this new phase of life.

Why You Should Care About Perfectionism in Postpartum and Matrescence for Moms of Color?

Understanding perfectionism isn’t just about defining it. It’s about recognizing how it shapes your motherhood journey and affects your well-being.

During postpartum and Matrescence, perfectionism may intensify as a way to gain control over the many changes happening in your life. This can make “just letting go” feel impossible, leaving you more stressed and anxious.

This is exactly why I have an issue with the “just let it go” advice often given to moms of color during this transitional stage. 

While it’s usually meant to encourage healthier coping mechanisms, for a perfectionist mom, perfectionism is her way of coping. She likely already knows it’s not always working in her favor, but hearing that she should simply “let it go” can trigger feelings of shame. 

She feels she can’t stop being a perfectionist, yet at the same time, she’s struggling to manage everything she’s going through.

The problem is, she may not have the tools she needs to cope with both her perfectionism and the immense challenges of Matrescence and postpartum. 

Telling her to give up the one thing she feels is holding her together can cause more harm than good. 

What she really needs is support that helps her manage her perfectionism in a way that serves her, while also giving her tools to navigate the emotional and physical transitions of early motherhood.

Think of perfectionism as something that needs to be managed.

When managed well,  it can motivate you to excel. But when it starts controlling you, it drains your energy, leaving you feeling exhausted.

By acknowledging perfectionism’s role in your motherhood journey, you’ll gain insight into how it can either support or hinder your well-being. The goal is not to “let go” without a plan, and careful consideration, but to manage it so it serves you rather than drains you.

How Managing Perfectionism in Postpartum and Matrescence Can Help

Now that we understand what perfectionism looks like during postpartum and Matrescence for moms of color, let’s explore how managing it can help you achieve the confidence and peace you’re seeking in motherhood.

Imagine constantly juggling the demands of caring for your baby, taking care of yourself, managing your household, and handling your career—all while feeling the pressure to be flawless in each role. The weight of self-doubt and exhaustion can make it feel impossible to keep up.

But here’s the thing: perfectionism doesn’t always have to be a negative force. 

There’s a version of perfectionism, often called adaptive perfectionism or healthy striving, where you can still aim for excellence but without the paralyzing fear of failure. Adaptive perfectionism allows you to maintain high standards while being flexible and compassionate with yourself.

By reshaping your relationship with perfectionism, you’ll recognize when it’s driving you toward growth and when it’s holding you back. 

For example, by setting more realistic expectations, you can continue to strive for excellence without constantly feeling like you’re falling short. You’ll start to feel less weighed down by the pressure to do it all perfectly, and more in control of your day-to-day life as a mom.

Incorporating this healthier approach to perfectionism opens up a world of possibilities for moms of color. 

You’ll feel more confident in your decisions, more present with your children, and less overwhelmed by unrealistic demands. 

Adaptive perfectionism encourages you to continue growing and thriving as a mother, but with greater compassion and flexibility for yourself.

5 Tips for Managing Perfectionism in Postpartum and Matrescence for Moms of Color

Alright, let’s get even more practical! 

Here are five actionable tips to help you redefine perfectionism during postpartum and Matrescence, and find more peace, confidence, and control in motherhood. These tips go beyond the typical “let go” advice and offer a deeper understanding of how to work with perfectionism rather than against it. 

Let’s dive in!

1. Acknowledge Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism, Not a Flaw

Before you start trying to change your perfectionism, recognize that it has served you for a long time—especially as a mom of color. Perfectionism has helped you navigate external pressures, societal expectations, and even personal milestones. The key is to honor the role it’s played in your life, and begin to let go of the parts that have run you into the ground. Start by reflecting on where your perfectionism came from and how it’s helped you get to where you are today.

2. Identify Where Perfectionism Serves You—and Where It Drains You

Not all strivings are unhealthy perfectionism (aka maladaptive), as I mentioned previously. Take a moment to identify which parts push you toward excellence and which parts lead to burnout. Does it help you stay organized and motivated? Or does it create unnecessary stress and self-doubt? By sorting through the healthy versus destructive sides of perfectionistic strivings, you’ll gain clarity on what to keep and what to shift.

3. Question External Expectations and Standards

A major driver of perfectionism for moms of color is the need to prove yourself in a world with unrealistic and biased standards. Take time to question whose expectations you’re trying to meet. Are they your own, or are they shaped by cultural, societal, or family pressures? This tip encourages you to get clear on your true values and align your strivings with what actually matters to you.

4. Redefine Success on Your Own Terms

The idea of “success” in motherhood is often linked to perfectionist ideals that are impossible to achieve. Ask yourself: What does success in motherhood look like for me? It might mean having more patience with yourself, or simply being present with your child rather than doing everything “perfectly.” By redefining success, you’ll ease the pressure to perform according to standards that don’t serve your well-being.

5. Practice Self-Compassion as Part of Your Growth

Self-compassion is not about lowering your standards, but about allowing yourself space to grow, learn, and sometimes make mistakes. In postpartum and Matrescence, the stakes can feel high, but treating yourself with kindness and empathy will help you build resilience. Perfectionism doesn’t disappear overnight, but with self-compassion, you can learn to forgive yourself when things don’t go as planned and use those moments as opportunities for growth.

There you have it—five actionable tips to help you reject the “let it go” advice, and redefine perfectionism and thrive as a mom of color during postpartum and Matrescence

Whether you’re just starting out or have been struggling with perfectionism for a while, these tips offer a fresh perspective to help you feel more in control and aligned with your values and do motherhood on your terms. 

Remember, it’s not about letting go of perfectionism—it’s about understanding it and using it to support the kind of mom and person you want to be.

Conclusion

If you’re ready to dive deeper into how perfectionism impacts your journey through postpartum and Matrescence, and could use personalized guidance, individual therapy or a therapy intensive might be the perfect fit for you. 

Together, we’ll explore how perfectionism shows up in your life and uncover strategies that work specifically for you to feel more confident and at peace in motherhood, especially if you are a mom of color.

Additionally, I’m excited to share that my “Perfectionism Burnout to Breakthrough” workshop is coming up in a few weeks! 

In this workshop, we’ll go even deeper into managing perfectionism, helping you break free from burnout and transform your perfectionism into a tool for growth. Don’t miss out—join the waitlist today to be the first to know when registration opens!

Click here to get on the waitlist.

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hello there.

I’m vanessa,
YOUR relatable mom-therapist

And not the fake relatable on social media, but a perfectionist mom too... the messy, procrastinating kind though

I know your story—you’ve always been the go-getter, the one who excels, who sets the bar high and clears it every time.

But then came motherhood, and suddenly, the game changed. Your perfectionism, the very thing that has driven your success, now feels like it’s working against you. The self-doubt creeps in, the questions about whether you’re doing this ‘mom thing’ right, and that unsettling feeling of not recognizing yourself in the mirror anymore.

I’ve always been a perfectionist, but never a "recovering perfectionist" (it's such bs anyway... what am I recovering from exactly?). Perfectionism has gotten me this far in life, and it’s not something I wanted to let go of.

But I did need to learn how to manage and refine it, especially when I found myself in the thick of postpartum and early motherhood. It wasn’t about "overcoming perfectionism"; it was about understanding its duality—the parts that serve me and the parts that needed some fine-tuning.

HYPE GIRL, wellness enthusiast, boy mom, CREATIVE, intentional

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