Have you found yourself Googling, “How do I manage my perfectionism as a new mom?”  The challenge of motherhood perfectionism can feel overwhelming.

Scrolling through page after page, hoping to find the one approach you need to navigate how perfectionism shows up in motherhood, and the pressures of being a perfectionist as a mom?

In the pursuit of balancing motherhood and perfectionism, there are various strategies you might have tried. You may have been told to simply “let go” or “relax,” but these quick fixes often fall short of addressing the deeper issues at play. 

As a mom, therapist, and a perfectionist myself, I understand how the pressure to be the perfect mom can weigh heavily on you. It’s not just about managing tasks; it’s about managing your expectations, emotions, and the often unrealistic standards that society imposes on us.

However, there’s one approach that stands out as particularly transformative in navigating the challenges of perfectionism, and how it shows up for you in motherhood: examining your perfectionism. 

Obviously, this is not an entire approach, it’s just the first piece of understanding and reframing your experience of perfectionism. And this one first step can be a game-changer. 

Instead of fighting against your perfectionist tendencies, what if you could learn to work with them in a way that supports your well-being and your journey through Matrescence, and motherhood?

In this blog post, we’ll delve into why it’s crucial to stop focus so much on battling perfectionism when it’s not yielding any results, and pause to examine it. 

We’ll explore how societal pressures to be the perfect mom can fuel feelings of inadequacy, and I’ll share practical strategies for examining your perfectionism to serve you better.

By understanding and harnessing the power of this approach, you can navigate the complexities of motherhood with confidence, find peace in your experience of perfectionism, and ultimately, become the mom you aspire to be on your own terms.

Whether you’re constantly striving for perfection in every aspect of motherhood or struggling to keep up with unrealistic expectations, embracing this approach will be the first step to empowering you to find the harmony and fulfillment you’ve been seeking.

First, what do I mean by “examining perfectionism”?

You’re probably not familiar with the idea of examining perfectionism because it isn’t necessarily an approach, but a part of an entire approach that I teach my clients who are struggling with perfectionism. So If you’re not, don’t worry – we’re going to break it down.

In its simplest terms, examining perfectionism means taking a closer look at the perfectionist tendencies in your life as a first step in managing perfectionism, rather than trying to let go of them or push them aside as the only step. 

This is something that I see many of my clients doing. When I first start working with them, they tell me how they’re trying to “let go” of being a perfectionist, and when I ask them how, they aren’t sure how, just that they are trying. 

Examining perfectionism can be thought of as holding up a magnifying glass to your expectations and beliefs about yourself and perfectionism, allowing yourself to see which parts are truly serving you and which might be holding you back.

For those who have more experience with perfectionism, this translates to a deeper understanding of how perfectionism can impact your life as a mom, and impact your experiences of motherhood. 

Now, imagine how integrating this approach can revolutionize your motherhood journey. 

From reducing the stress of trying to be the perfect mom and at everything else in life, to finding more joy in the everyday moments, it’s a game-changer. 

When you examine your perfectionism, you give yourself the chance to redefine what your relationship with perfectionism can look like, and ultimately what success in motherhood looks like for you.

Now, before we begin digging into this, here are some key insights to consider:

• Fact #1: Perfectionism isn’t inherently bad. It’s often what has driven you to achieve so much in your life, but when left unchecked, it can also lead to burnout, anxiety, and a constant feeling of not being enough.
• Fact #2: Examining perfectionism allows you to keep what works and let go of what doesn’t. Instead of trying to break free from perfectionism, you can decide which standards align with your values and which ones are unrealistic.
• Fact #3: This approach empowers you to take control of your motherhood experience. By understanding your perfectionism, you can navigate the pressures of being a mom on your own terms, making choices that prioritize your well-being and that of your family.

Embrace these insights as we dive deeper into the transformative power of examining perfectionism in motherhood.

How You Can Use Examining Perfectionism to Achieve Your Motherhood Goals

You might be thinking, “Sure, examining perfectionism sounds great, but can it really work for me? So I am just going to be taking a closer look at perfectionism? How is that supposed to help?”

The answer is a resounding yes! 

For you to make any change in your life, you need to know where you are starting from. The problem that so many of my clients struggle with when it comes to changing their experience of perfectionism is that they take the well-meaning advice of “let it go”. 

However, many of them have no idea what that means or what that even looks like. Perfectionism is so deeply ingrained in so many perfectionists, so asking my clients to let it go was like asking them to not blink, or do something that is so natural to them. Letting it go isn’t so easy afterall, and what they really needed was an actual approach that would help them manage and reframe their experience of perfectionism.

And this is the first step.

Let me share how you can start implementing this approach to achieve the motherhood experience you’ve been longing for.

When I began my journey with examining perfectionism, I was in a similar boat as you. I was overwhelmed by the pressure to be the perfect mom, trying to juggle everything without dropping a single ball. 

I often felt like I was always on the edge, fearing that any mistake would mean I was failing as a mom. 

Enter learning about my perfectionism more intimately, and taking the first step of examining perfectionism. 

It wasn’t an overnight transformation working through how perfectionism was impacting my motherhood, but taking the time to really look at my perfectionist tendencies gradually revolutionized my life by:

1. Helping me set realistic expectations. Instead of trying to live up to every standard that society, social media, and even my own mind imposed on me about what “the perfect mom” looked like, I started to ask myself which expectations were actually important to me. This shift allowed me to prioritize what truly mattered in my motherhood journey, giving me more peace and less stress.
2. Enhancing my relationships. By examining my perfectionism, I realized that my high expectations weren’t just affecting me—they were also impacting my relationships with my partner, my son, and even myself. I learned to communicate better, to ask for help when needed, and to let go of the idea that I had to do it all how I imagined it in my mind. This led to deeper connections and more meaningful interactions with the people I care about most.
3. Cultivating a sense of fulfillment and purpose. When you stop striving for an impossible ideal and start focusing on what truly fulfills you, everything changes. Examining my perfectionism allowed me to reconnect with my values and redefine success on my own terms. Instead of constantly feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, I began to see the joy in the small victories and the growth in the challenges. This shift brought a profound sense of purpose to my role as a mother.

By using this approach, you can create a motherhood experience that aligns with who you are and what you value most. It’s not about being what is expected of you; it’s about being true to yourself and embracing the journey of learning what you want to do with perfectionism, especially in your motherhood, that makes sense for you.

Implement Examining Perfectionism in 5 Actionable Steps

Let’s break it down into actionable steps you can implement right away:

• Step 1: Identify Your Perfectionist Type
  The first step is understanding which type of perfectionism you primarily experience. Are you self-oriented, where you set extremely high standards for yourself? Are you other-oriented, where you impose those high standards on others? Or are you socially prescribed, where you feel pressure to meet the expectations set by society or others around you?

Identifying your specific type helps you gain clarity on how perfectionism shows up in your life and influences you.

• Step 2: Learn About Adaptive and Maladaptive Perfectionism
  Not all perfectionism is harmful. Take time to learn about the difference between adaptive (helpful) and maladaptive (harmful) perfectionism. Adaptive perfectionism drives you to achieve your goals with realistic expectations, while maladaptive perfectionism sets impossible standards that lead to stress and burnout. 

Understanding this distinction allows you to embrace the aspects of perfectionism that serve you and let go of those that don’t.

• Step 3: Explore How Your Perfectionism Manifests
  Once you know your type and the difference between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, it’s time to explore how it manifests in your life. There are various forms, such as messy perfectionism, where chaos hides within your need for perfection; Parisian perfectionism, where you focus on surface-level aesthetics; and classical perfectionism, where you strive for perfection in every detail. 

Recognizing these patterns will help you understand how perfectionism impacts your motherhood, and daily life and where it might be holding you back.

• Step 4: Reflect on the Origins of Your Perfectionism
  Take a moment to reflect on where your perfectionism comes from. Have you always been wired this way? Is it rooted in childhood experiences, societal expectations, or a desire for control? Understanding the origins of your perfectionism can provide valuable insights into why you hold certain beliefs and how they influence your behavior today.

• Step 5: Decide How You Want to Move Forward
  Now that you’ve identified your perfectionist type, learned about adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, explored how it manifests in your motherhood and life, and reflected on its origins, you’re ready to decide how you want to move forward. I’m not here to tell you what to do—you get to choose what your experience of perfectionism will look like. 

Many of my clients find that once they’ve gone through the previous steps, they recognize that not all parts of their perfectionism are bad. You might decide to manage your perfectionism rather than trying to let go of it entirely. The choice is yours, and it’s about finding what works best for you and your unique journey.

Challenge yourself to take these steps towards a change in your experience of perfectionism, and especially how it shows up in your motherhood.

Taking small steps can lead to big changes over time. Share your chosen step and progress in the comments below—I’d love to hear how you’re making this approach work for you!

Empower Your Journey by Examining Perfectionism

As we wrap up our exploration of examining motherhood perfectionism, remember that this is just the beginning of your journey. 

Understanding and examining your perfectionist tendencies isn’t about trying to rid yourself of them; it’s about gaining clarity on how they serve you and where they might be holding you back. By taking the time to identify your perfectionist type, learning about adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism, and reflecting on how these tendencies manifest in your life, you’re setting the stage for a more intentional and fulfilling motherhood experience.

The choice of how to move forward is yours. You don’t have to let go of perfectionism entirely—it’s about deciding what role it will play in your life and how you can harness its strengths while managing its challenges. This approach allows you to navigate motherhood with confidence, on your own terms, and in a way that aligns with your values.

Take the first step today, and remember, small changes can lead to significant transformations over time. 

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If you want to learn more about your perfectionism type and how it shows up in your motherhood journey, I’ve created a quick “What’s Your Perfectionism in Motherhood Type?” quiz just for you. Click here to take the quiz. The quiz also includes insights and tips to help you on your path of discovery with your perfectionism. Take the quiz and start your journey towards a more empowered motherhood experience!